Buyer’s Remorse

So, it’s all good news so far, and I was able to ditch the bra & ice packs for sleeping last night, and even roll onto my left side- which eased my back no end, as it’s not best fond of the right side and has been intent on letting me know the error of my ways. My pathology reports came back clean, my incisions are healing well, I have food for days, and books for the time being; the thing is out of me.

And I’m filled with buyer’s remorse – not that I had much choice in this particular purchase.

I’ve changed my mind, I don’t want this, I want the body I had before – the scar pulls my nipple in, the shape of my breast is distorted, it’s obviously altered and not for the better. I was blind yesterday, how could I not see? I’m misshapen.  Lumpen. Wrong.

by the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, and there we wept, when we remembered Zion…

I’m aware it’s going to change, I’m aware this is just the start, and I’m keenly aware that the reason I’m feeling this now is because I can; I have the great luxury of still having my breast, of having a clean pathology report, of having the tumor out  of my body. The crisis point has passed, and now I have the time to grieve the changes.

This too shall pass.

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2 Responses to Buyer’s Remorse

  1. Beverly says:

    Oh Honey, what a mix of emotions, what a ride. So, sooo understandable.
    Keep healing.

    Soon you can plan the good stories you’ll be able to tell about the scar–
    “That was a hell of a bar fight, and you shoulda seen the guys who were left on the floor.”
    “I leapt just in time to miss the grizzly’s paw–*almost* entirely… .”

    Love love love to you.

  2. Being Sarah says:

    Clean pathology report is good. I think it is important to make the time to grieve. All best to you.

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