Bind me to the Mercy Seat

and heal me.

I’ll be starting in on the third of the Holy Trifecta tomorrow; much as I want it over with (soonest begun is soonest done), I’m not feeling quite ready.

I still tire far too easily, and I have so much to get done after taking the spring and summer off…  there’s the housework, the priming and painting and getting things back in their places; the garden to be weeded and pruned and put away (and the arch for the bittersweet before it strangles us all!); the all of it all. The thousand tiny things.

The “side” effects* of surgery and chemotherapy are still with me, as they may well forever be. The fatigue and baldness, those  I expect to pass, hopefully relatively quickly, along with the muscle aches and weakness in my legs, but there’s also the cording in my left arm, amazingly painful in spite of all my flexibility; neuropathy in my feet, which manifests as a sort of dull pain and numbness; sudden sharp pains in my breast at the incision site – not sustained but they apparently can persist for years after surgery; and the effects of chemically induced menopause – which may or may not be permanent, as with everything else. None of these are “serious” side effects – they don’t grossly affect my ability to do work or care for myself; I can feel my feet enough not to trip or stumble, though I do find my balance is affected; the chest pains pass; I still have a greater than average degree of flexibility in my left arm’s range of motion; and I would have gone though menopause at some point – but they’re all distressing to a lesser or greater degree.

The other interesting effect coming out from all of this is that I am always hungry of late – I have a huge appetite, I could eat the world (if you broke it into small bite sized pieces for me, and gave me a little time). It’s astounding to me… most unlike me indeed. Still, my lovely tenant Amanda (who is an oncology nurse) assures me it’s better to enter radiation with a few pounds to spare, and I’m doing my bestest to follow her orders.

Radiation will most likely worsen the cording and the breast pain symptoms, and may add to my fatigue – or I may find my energy levels returning as I further recover from chemotherapy, despite the effects of radiation. Hard to say, not knowing.

Ready or not, here I come – onward, into the light.

* “side effects” is a misnomer, IMHO. All drugs have effects, some you want, some you don’t. They’re still all effects.

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