You bet your life.

And you do, every day. Everyone does, every day, in a thousand smaller or larger ways; roll those dice and watch them fall. Kiss it up to Jesus, thank your lares and penates, ye gods and little fishes, and do it again. We live our lives that way, we live our deaths the same, making our choices based on the information at hand and rolling the dice, again and again. This is just a clearer vision of that than we normally get.

I spent hours down the rabbit hole of the internet, looking at studies, facts and figures, teasing out the information; reviewing my pathology report; working out the math  – and out in the real world, talking with Ron, figuring it out on all the levels. I managed to come up with two things:

A) having my hormone levels checked. I’m in chemopause now – which isn’t considered official until a year has passed – and for me, if we’re dealing with a tumor that’s hormone driven and a drug that works to block estrogen, it makes sense to figure out how much estrogen I’m currently producing. Since my ovaries have already been shut down, I’m thinking my levels should be lower – and if they’re not, well, that’s more information.

(interestingly enough, tamoxifen actually raises the estrogen levels in the blood – because it blocks estrogen uptake, rather than stopping estrogen production)

B) I’m giving myself at least until I get back on the 12th to make a decision, and I’m definitely not starting any new medication regime before then. The past six months have been hard on me, body, brain, and psyche  – I want to give myself some time to settle, and to heal. I’m also wanting a clearer baseline reading of where I am now (‘the new normal’) so that I can more clearly separate out effects if I decide to start Tamoxifen.

There’s the plan. I called up to the hospital and asked to have bloodwork ordered, the lovely Sue-Ellen helped me through that, and I’ll go up later for the draw.

Whichever way I choose, it’s still a roll of the dice. You stack the odds to your side as best you can, you can look at all the statistics and the data and do your best to figure out where you fall in that, what you can live with – still and yet, truth be told, it’s all a crap shoot.

And all you can do is play.


P.S. Went up,  gave up a vial of red stuff, and I should have the results Wednesday at the latest. I’m also wanting the full Oncotype report – I either didn’t get one, or I’ve misfiled it.

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